Something to make you smile :)

[Horse'n Around 22]

My friend who used to race MX with me sent this to me. I thought yall might get a kick out of it too

John

For the mechanically inclined, here are some tools of the trade:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where n...ot...hing could g...et to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****! ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative and if none of this happened to you, you are not old and a dirt bike rider/racer, dad, grandfather mom, grandma etc, etc....

[AMC RULES 37,226]

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL. :ROTF:

[bowtiebutler956 650]

That's great! You forgot to list how useful the utility knife is for completely removing the end of ones finger, but at the same time, does such a perfect slice that its quite easy for the ER to reattach! Found that use out about 2 years ago, and my finger still doesn't work. Thanks For The Laugh!!!

Matt :flags-texas:

[stevasaurus 23,448]

John, thanks...I needed that. :) :) :)

[squonk 44,524]

The straight screwdriver and prybar should have the same descriptions. Also the slip joint pliers should be with a cresent wrench and used to drive in nails!

[squonk 44,524]

Here's on for Steve:

Stepladder: A useful tool to see over your neighbor's fence. Also used to create a situation where all your friends feel sorry for you and send all kinds of weird stuff in the mail! :ychain:

[stevasaurus 23,448]

No kidding Mike...not to mention how stupid you can feel. :)

[6wheeler 669]

One of the other practical uses for a drill press? Your "know it all" 18 year old wanna be mechanic, can take a $25 dollar drill bit (and with the help of 2 of his friends). Try to push it through a piece of hardened steel with no lubricant and, proceed to turn into a completely useless item. Thanks to the leverage afforded by said drill press :banghead: . So thanks John, for reminding me Pat

[Horse'n Around 22]

Im glad that yall enjoyed it. Im sure that every one of us can come up with some additions to this list... if we want to admit it . I know I can.... errrr I mean I might know of some that apply to friends of mine

Ok, Ok, I'll take my turn as well. Routers for woodworking are excellent finger nail trimmers and callous removers as well !!! My son JJ is ALWAYS quick to remind me about the time I removed the whole tip of a finger to the bone or what was left of it while using a router for the first and almost the last time.I was making some oak lanterns for my fellow Civil War reenactor friends. I have never used a router before but hey... I was a bodyman by trade and I used airtools and power tools since I knee high to a grasshopper. Well its not the same... ok I know NOW that when you feed the wood into a router your supposed to make sure that your pushing it in AGAINST the rotation of the extremely sharp high speed rotating mangler, if you misguidedly (aka STUPIDLY) feed said piece of oak into the extremely sharp high speed rotating mangler it can and probably will most definitely not only draw the oak into the jaws of death but also any digits or appendages that might also be drawn into it at the same time . Seconds after I did this and mind you Im still doing the pain dance (by the way Im the Fred Astaire of the pain dance) my son calls me and asks me to pick him up from the school weight room. I didn't tell him what happened (too embarrassed) So I wrapped one of my socks (a clean one) tightly around my finger and drove the mile to school and picked him up. I got out of my truck and walked to the door, Lord forbid he be waiting outside for me, noooooooo I had to get out and apparently my face was an interesting shape of white or at least really pale. Keep in mind, I live in a really tiny town, 1700+ residents total so most of his friends are like my own, they even call me Dad or Pappy. So when JJ saw me the first thing out of his mouth was " ok what did you do to yourself now?" All my "Kids" came to greet me like they did and still do. So I showed him my sock covered finger and removed the sock and they all turned the same color as I was. Imagine that I had by that time stopped doing the pain dance . I learned long ago I cant drive while doing the pain dance , remember I raced motocross before I broke my back

The next day I slowly finished up the remaining 2 pieces of oak , carefully and from the other side of the router against the rotation as I had just learned and then I scrubbed the shredded bits of my finger off the side of the house. Needless to say when I gave the lanterns to my friends I pleaded with them to take good care of them as I had shed a lot of blood and skin so that they could see by candlelight in the dark at reenactments.

Ok I am done with my tale of misfortune (stupidity) and once again its the length of a novel. Sorry

John

[6wheeler 669]

Well then. A blanket description of all tools? Extremely useful for removing excess fingertips and installing scars on hands and knuckles. Also perfect for draining excess blood from human bodies. And, learning new and very useful words you may have never used before. All, tools I am sure. Are invented by the medical industry and language enhancement fields. Pat

[krazy_horse 59]

So true,so true, Most of this has happened to me at one time or another.