davem1111 2,347 #251 Posted Sunday at 01:09 AM 8 hours ago, CRF857 said: I've got scars up and down both of my shins from BOTH of those nasty things.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Achto 32,642 #253 Posted Sunday at 12:59 PM Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!" 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
953 nut 69,173 #254 Posted Sunday at 03:31 PM First Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it. Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole? First Farmer: No, in the head. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
8ntruck 9,296 #260 Posted Sunday at 10:43 PM (edited) A guy heard What's New Pussycat song by Tom Jones on the radio one day. It went earworm and stuck in his head for several days. Out of desperation, the guy goes to his doctor for some relief. The doctor says, 'oh, you are suffering from Tom Jones fixation syndrome'. The guy says, 'wow. Never heard of that. Is it rare?' Doc replies: 'It's Not Unusual'. Edited 16 hours ago by 8ntruck 1 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
953 nut 69,173 #261 Posted yesterday at 12:55 AM On a drive in the country a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. 'Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,' said the city slicker 'but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?' Time, answered the farmer. 'What does time matter to a pig?' 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Achto 32,642 #262 Posted yesterday at 10:11 AM Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them and says, Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing license. said the game warden.But officer, replied the second blond, we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and were collecting debris off the bottom of the river. The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe-magnets tied on the end of each line. Well, I know of no law against it. Take all the debris you want. Then he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing. What a stupid fish cop! The third blonde said to the others, Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
953 nut 69,173 #263 Posted yesterday at 12:51 PM Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It turned into a field! Q: What do farmers use to make crop circles? A: A pro-tractor. Q: Did you hear about the wooden tractor? A: It had a wooden engine, wooden wheels, wooden transmission, and wooden work! Q: Where do you find a tractor with no wheels? A: In the same place you left it! Being a farmer isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
953 nut 69,173 #267 Posted 21 hours ago Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CRF857 989 #268 Posted 18 hours ago Why did the dalmation go to the optometrist? He was seeing spots!!! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CRF857 989 #269 Posted 18 hours ago (edited) What’s Forrest Gumps password? 1Forrest1. Why should you never buy flowers from a monk? Because only you can prevent florist friars! What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller! Edited 18 hours ago by CRF857 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Achto 32,642 #270 Posted 7 hours ago You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do? You stop drinking and get off the Carousel. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
953 nut 69,173 #271 Posted 5 hours ago How do you catch a unique bird? You n-eak up on it. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
