DAD JOKES

[953 nut 69,900]

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?

 

 

 

Prime mates.

[CRF857 1,208]

[CRF857 1,208]

[CRF857 1,208]

Make sure your pets put out their smokes and cover their feet.

[953 nut 69,900]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

 

 

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

[Achto 32,849]

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The bartender comes with the man's rum and coke and is intrigued by the little piano man. The bartender also asks what "that pot" is. "A genie's lamp," says the man. So the bartender goes ahead and rubs the lamp. Out comes a genie. "Make a vish" says the genie. "Um okay, let me get a million bucks!" The genie disappears and the bartender waits. A few minutes later, a bunch of ducks start walking into the pub, one by one. "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks," the bartender enthusiastically says. The man replies, "you think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

[953 nut 69,900]

An ugly, scrawny man was riding his horse through the woods and came across a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out saying he'd grant the man three wishes.

"My first wish is that I want to be as handsome as Clark Gable, my second is that I want to be as buff as Arnold Schwarzenegger, and my third is to have huge privates exactly like the horse I'm riding."

The genie tells him to go home and look in the mirror. He gets home, looks in the mirror, and sees that his face is as handsome as Clark Gable. He takes off his shirt and see that he is just as muscular as Arnold Schwarzenegger. He drops his pants and realizes that he was riding the mare.

[Achto 32,849]

Autumn is best enjoyed in all her glory.

 

 

Unfortunately, the police officers who arrested me outside her window didn't agree.

[953 nut 69,900]

Where did the peeping Tom go when he fell out of a tree and broke his foot?

 

 

 

The I.  C.  U.

[Bar Nuthin 3,392]

2 hours ago, 953 nut said:

Where did the peeping Tom go when he fell out of a tree and broke his foot?

 

I thought he went back to the future!?!?!

[Bar Nuthin 3,392]

How many John Deere owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him.

[953 nut 69,900]

A wise old shark and a young shark were swimming near the shore when they spotted a couple of young swimmers. The young shark asked the older one if they should go right over and eat therm. The old shark said no, first we will circle around the with our fins barely above the water, then we will circle them again with our fins fully exposed, then we can eat them. The young shark asked why you would circle them twice like that. The older shark said they taste much better once you scare the sh** out of them.

[CRF857 1,208]

If you can not sleep at night, it is usually because you are awake. I hope this helps.

If I am sent to jail my wife will get me out. She never lets me finish a sentence.

Doing nothing is extremely difficult, you never know when you are done.

A dentist will say “You are brushing wrong.”
A nutritionist will say “You are eating wrong.”
Parents will say “You are living wrong.”
Your bartender will say “Excellent choice sir.”

There is a new movie out about a snowman who became a vampire. It is called “Frost bite”.

My son asked “Why do birds fly?” I replied “Because it is faster than walking…”

used to think I was indecisive but now I am not so sure..

My vacuum cleaner broke, now it just sits there collecting dust.

I attempted to organize a game of “hide and seek” but good players are hard to find.

You can never trust stairs because they are always up to something.

I told my wife “For the past 50 years all you have done is found mistakes in every thing I say.” She replied “That is 55 years dear.”

[953 nut 69,900]

Years ago I was curious about the operation of a bulldozer. As I looked around I noticed there was only one lever and no steering wheel. Pointing to the lever I asked what is this leaver, my uncles prompt response was "Lev-Er-Alone!"

 

 

What do you call a sleeping bull?                "A BULL-DOZER"

[Achto 32,849]

Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

[Achto 32,849]

Me: It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

 

 

Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work..?