DAD JOKES

[adsm08 5,149]

28 minutes ago, Achto said:

 

 Joke still applies if that Dakota has a 3.7L or 4.7L engine.

 

Or an automatic transmission.

[953 nut 69,359]

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.

 

I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

[AlexR 3,115]

 Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

 

 

It got stuck in the crack!

[953 nut 69,359]

When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back.

[CRF857 1,136]

I have a new girlfriend. I call her my melancholy baby.

Head like a melon.

Face like a collie.

[953 nut 69,359]

What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids?

 

There are pictures where the money used to be.

[adsm08 5,149]

7 hours ago, 953 nut said:

What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids?

 

There are pictures where the money used to be.

 

Eh, I'd rather have the pictures.

[CRF857 1,136]

On 10/10/2026 at 5:17 PM, Achto said:

 

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

 

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

 

 

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I can only handle 25 letters of the alphabet.

 

I don’t know why.

[Achto 32,744]

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

 

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

[953 nut 69,359]

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast.

 

 

Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.

[CRF857 1,136]

what is green and smells like blue paint?

 

Green paint!

[Achto 32,744]

A String Walks Into A Bar

He says, "hey bar keep, I'll have a beer". The bartenders sternly replies, "we don't serve strings here". The string walks away discouraged.
He comes in a few days later and tries again, "hey bar keep, I'll take a rye". The bartender, more aggravated replies, "I told you, we don't serve strings here!" The string leaves disappointed.
The string figures he will try again a few days later. He walks up to the door of the bar and thinks for a second....This time he ties himself in a loop and messes up his hair. He walks up to the bar and says, "hello bar keep, I'll have a rum and coke". The bartender replies, "hey, aren't you a string?" The string replies, "no, I'm afraid not"

[953 nut 69,359]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

 

Because 7 ate nine!

[Achto 32,744]

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true," the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries.

The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

[953 nut 69,359]

Looking around our property today I enjoyed the red color coming on to the Dogwoods. This put me in mind of a little joke I pulled on my wife when we first bought the property..

 

As we walked around the property I was telling my wife what species each tree was and if it was a nut tree. When we got to the first Dogwood, she asked how she could identify it as a dogwood. I told her that the bark was the best way to pick one out, she throuly examined the tree's exterior covering. At that time I snuck up behind her and BARKED LIKE A DOG.           

 

Well, at least one of us thought it was funny.

[Achto 32,744]

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -WHAP!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What in hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my a$$… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

Edited 1 hour ago by Achto

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