DAD JOKES

[Achto 32,441]

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The farmer silently takes out $5 and gives it to the professor. The farmer asks the professor: "What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?" The professor thinks hardly but couldn't find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer. The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks: "What animal is it!?" The farmer takes out $5 and gives it to the professor, then he falls asleep.

[953 nut 68,735]

What is a sheep's favorite game?             Baaaa-d - mminton!

[MainelyWheelhorse 3,067]

What’s Red and smells like blue paint…. Red paint.

Edited yesterday at 01:03 PM by MainelyWheelhorse

[953 nut 68,735]

•  
• Q: What did John Deere say to Allis Chalmers the night they were married?
  •  
  •  
  •  
  • A: "Good night, Allis, Deere."

[Achto 32,441]

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I am but a humble farmer with no better clothes than these. What shall I do?"
"Pray to God" the priest replied. "He will tell you what to do."

The next week the farmer came back to church wearing different clothes, but they were no better than the other set of clothes he had on before. The priest interrupted the service to berate the farmer.
"Didn't I tell you to ask God what to wear to come here?"
"Yes sir you did."
"And did you do that?"
"Yes sir I did."
"And what did God tell you to wear?"
"Well to be honest father, he didn't know. He said he's never been in this church before."

[953 nut 68,735]

• Q:               What kind of a tractor comes in a box?
  •  
  •  
  • A:       A Case.

 

•  
• Being a farmer isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans

[cafoose 3,820]

1 hour ago, Achto said:

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I am but a humble farmer with no better clothes than these. What shall I do?"
"Pray to God" the priest replied. "He will tell you what to do."

The next week the farmer came back to church wearing different clothes, but they were no better than the other set of clothes he had on before. The priest interrupted the service to berate the farmer.
"Didn't I tell you to ask God what to wear to come here?"
"Yes sir you did."
"And did you do that?"
"Yes sir I did."
"And what did God tell you to wear?"
"Well to be honest father, he didn't know. He said he's never been in this church before."

[Achto 32,441]

3 hours ago, 953 nut said:

Q:               What kind of a tractor comes in a box?

•  
•  
• A:       A Case.

 

But what does Case stand for  ???

 

 

 

Can't Afford Something Else. 

 

 

 

 

[Achto 32,441]

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265 is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Why are you so happy?" Helga asks.

"My darling. I've just spoken to Rudolph." Sven replies. "You know Rudolph. He's got a great plait of fire red hair and a big, bushy red beard! He says that we'll get 4 inches of glorious rain by tomorrow.. Oh joy, all our problems are solved!"

Helga slaps at her husband. "Oh Sven! You've gotten my hopes up. Why are you so confident in this Rudolph fellow?"

Sven beams at his wife and says "Because... Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear!"

[953 nut 68,735]

Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.

'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked. 
'Not a bunch, herd,' his mate replied.

'Heard of what?' 
'Herd of cows.'

'Of course I've heard of cows.'

'No, a cow herd.'

'What do I care what a cow heard.  I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'

[Bar Nuthin 3,107]

A priest takes a short sabbatical for some relaxation, prior to an upcoming visit from the Pope.

He decides on a short fishing trip. Since he knew very little about fishing, he arranged for a guide to take him out.

 

They spent most of the day without much luck when suddenly the priest's pole doubles over and his drag begins screaming.

The guide yells, "Reel it in, Father! Reel it in! Keep the line tight or you'll lose that sonovabitch!"

The priest gives the guide a discerning look, but continues to reel in the monster.

 

As he gets the fish closer to the boat, the guide exclaims, "Look at the size of that sonovabitch!", and promptly gets the net and lands it in the boat.

The priest calmy says, "My son, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but there's no need to use foul language."

 

Embarrassed and thinking quickly, the guide says, "No Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Sonovabitch Fish."

Priest: "Really? A Sonofabitch?" 

Guide: "Yeah, that might be the biggest Sonofabitch I've ever seen!"

Priest: "What should I do with this Sonovabitch?"

Guide: "Oh Father, those are the best tasting fish you'll ever have. You need to cook that Sonovabitch!"

Priest: "Excellent! We have a very special visitor coming! Let's get this Sonovabitch on ice!"

 

When the priest returns from his fishing trip, he's met at the drive by Sister Louise. She asks him if he enjoyed his trip.

"It was wonderful. Take a look at this Sonovabitch!" he exclaimed as he opened the cooler.

Sister Louise <embarrassed>: "Father! Mind your language!"

Priest: "It's okay, Sister, That's what type of fish it is - a Sonovabitch fish. We'll have the Bishop prepare a special fish dinner for the Pope's visit tomorrow!"

Sister Louise: "I learned to clean fish when I was very young. I'll clean this Sonovabitch and get it to the Bishop right away!"

 

Sister Louise takes the fish to the Bishop and tells him, "Father Adams caught this Sonovabitch and wants you to prepare a special fish dinner for the Pope."

The Bishop stares at Sister Louise in disbelief.

Sister Louise: "It's okay. That's the type of fish it is. A Sonovabitch fish."

Bishop: "Well then, I shall prepare the best Sonovabitch dish ever."

 

On the day of the Pope's visit, they had a grand service. Afterwards they all sat down for lovely dinner.

After prayers, they served up the fish dinner with all the trimmings, telling the Pope they had prepared a special meal just for him.

The Pope took the first bite. He slowly looked up and said, "This is the best tasting fish I've ever had. Very good indeed!"

 

They were all beaming with pride.

Priest: "Thank you! I caught that Sonovabitch myself"

Sister Louise: "Yes, and I cleaned the Sonovabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cooked that Sonovabitch using a family recipe!"

 

The Pope was silent for a moment. He took a long look at each of them.

Then with a big smile, "Ha! You f*ck*rs are alright!"

[953 nut 68,735]

Paul, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a horse yells at him, 'Hey-come over here buddy.'

Paul is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, 'Were you talking to me?'

The horse replies, 'Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money because I can still run.' 

Paul thought to himself, 'Wow, a talking horse.' Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting on the porch.

Paul tells the farmer, 'Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field.'

The farmer replies, 'Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky.'

[MainelyWheelhorse 3,067]

My wife says she misses me… but her aim is getting better…😁