DAD JOKES

[dodge78 141]

Why does an elephant wear tennies?

 

Nineys are too small and elevenies are too big.

 

 

[CRF857 621]

[953 nut 68,676]

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

[Achto 32,413]

Why do cowboys ride horses?

Because they're too heavy to carry.

 

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?

The ground.

[953 nut 68,676]

Why was the cucumber mad?                                                Because it was in a pickle!

 

 

How did the farmer find his lost cow?                                          He tractor down.

[Achto 32,413]

[Achto 32,413]

On a rural road, a state trooper pulled a farmer over and said, “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

[953 nut 68,676]

Why did the lamb call the police?  He had been fleeced.

Edited Tuesday at 12:59 PM by 953 nut

[CRF857 621]

[CRF857 621]

[Achto 32,413]

 Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

[953 nut 68,676]

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"  The farmer thinks it over, it's a huge herd so he accepts the bet.

The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location.  From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Within seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,423 cows'.

The farmer is astonished because the city slicker's figure is exactly correct.  He says, 'OK, I'm a man of my word, take a cow.'  The investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.

'Wait,' yells the farmer, 'Let me have a chance to get even.  Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.' The city slicker agrees readily.

'You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the farmer.

'Good grief!' splutters the city slicker, 'You are exactly right, tell me, how did you deduce that?'

'Easy,' says the farmer, 'give me back my dog, and I will tell you.'

"No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.

[Achto 32,413]

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

 

A zebra.

 

 

Did you hear about the wooden tractor?

 

It had wooden wheels, a wooden engine, wooden transmission, and wooden work!

Edited Thursday at 10:43 AM by Achto

[CRF857 621]

What is black-and-white and red all over ……. and embarrassed zebra.

 

what is black-and-white and read all over?…."… a newspaper.

[953 nut 68,676]

George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.

It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.'

The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.'

The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'

The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'

[Achto 32,413]

My brother worries me. Every time he drives by a dairy farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.

 

Doesn't he know cow tipping is illegal?

[953 nut 68,676]

Always drink upstream from the herd.                      

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

[wallfish 20,538]

 

[wallfish 20,538]

 

[wallfish 20,538]

 

[Achto 32,413]

A very upset blonde calls her brunette friend. 

 

Blonde - Can you give me a ride?

Brunette - Sure, what's wrong?

Blonde - I ran my cat over with the lawn mower and cut its tail off. I caught the cat and found its tail, now I need a ride to Wal Mart.

Brunette - Don't you mean you need a ride to the veterinary clinic instead?

Blonde - No, we need to go to Wal Mart. I heard they are the largest retailer in the area. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Achto

[adsm08 5,039]

How is a woman like the square root of -2?

 

 

Both are irrational.

[953 nut 68,676]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her one word: comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly …

 

 com-for-da-bull.”

[MainelyWheelhorse 3,061]

I see you’ve been doing crunches….

Captain in the morning and Nestle at night….😁

[953 nut 68,676]

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.