DAD JOKES

[dodge78 141]

Why does an elephant wear tennies?

 

Nineys are too small and elevenies are too big.

 

 

[CRF857 594]

[953 nut 68,608]

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

[Achto 32,384]

Why do cowboys ride horses?

Because they're too heavy to carry.

 

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?

The ground.

[953 nut 68,608]

Why was the cucumber mad?                                                Because it was in a pickle!

 

 

How did the farmer find his lost cow?                                          He tractor down.

[Achto 32,384]

[Achto 32,384]

On a rural road, a state trooper pulled a farmer over and said, “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

[953 nut 68,608]

Why did the lamb call the police?  He had been fleeced.

Edited yesterday at 12:59 PM by 953 nut

[CRF857 594]

[CRF857 594]

[Achto 32,384]

 Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

[953 nut 68,608]

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"  The farmer thinks it over, it's a huge herd so he accepts the bet.

The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location.  From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Within seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,423 cows'.

The farmer is astonished because the city slicker's figure is exactly correct.  He says, 'OK, I'm a man of my word, take a cow.'  The investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.

'Wait,' yells the farmer, 'Let me have a chance to get even.  Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.' The city slicker agrees readily.

'You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the farmer.

'Good grief!' splutters the city slicker, 'You are exactly right, tell me, how did you deduce that?'

'Easy,' says the farmer, 'give me back my dog, and I will tell you.'

"No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.